How to Make Marriage Easy

Most people believe that marriage is inherently complex and challenging. I used to think the same thing. I mean, why wouldn't trying to live full-time with a person who is fundamentally different from you cause some form of difficulty or contention? However, I think that in many ways, my initial thoughts about marriage being "inherently" difficult were faulty. It was based on a few false assumptions, the major one being the assumption that I had a comprehensive view of how marriages should function and be structured. Let me propose a radical idea. If your marriage is difficult, it's because you make it so. It's not inherently problematic. The reason you may be making it more complicated than it has to be is your misunderstanding of the function and purpose of marriage. These misunderstandings build into a faulty marital structure, which then contributes to marital distress and difficulty. Let me say it another way. A marriage built on biblical principles is easy, but one that has adopted the world's paradigm will be difficult. So, what are the biblical principles for a good marriage?

Principal One: Honor Biblical Hierarchy

Ephesians 5:22-29

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the Church...............Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her."

Interpretation

This scripture outlines the biblical foundation for a godly marriage. In it, the wife is called to submit, and the husband is called to love. Notice that the text tells us how the wife is to submit and how the husband is to love. These things are not left to our imagination or culturally biased interpretations. The wife is to submit as she would to God (i.e., "as to the Lord in verse 22). The husband is to love in the same way that Christ loved the Church (i.e, not according to his wife's definition of love, but God's). This clearly indicates a hierarchy and distinction within the roles and responsibilities in marriage.

Implication

God did not design marriage to be a partnership, and God did not create marriage to be a place where men go to become servants of their wives. In marriage, God has ordained an order that governs the health and expression of love and respect. This order is upended when we enter into marriage without distinctions in purpose, role, and authority. Consequently, that makes marriage hard. Biblical hierarchy is a principle that recognizes that God has, from the beginning, organized the world into categories and distinctions that should not be violated. Therefore, you must be the head, ruling your household in love, and your wife must submit to this headship, recognizing that God has ordained it.

Principal two: Facilitate Marital Joy

Deuteronomy 24:5

"When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken."

Interpretation:

The term "happy" originates from the Hebrew word śâmaḥ, meaning to rejoice. Therefore, the command to be "happy with his wife" encourages men to take joy in the bond they have formed with their wife. The emphasis on the duration of this happiness suggests that it encompasses more than just a fleeting moment. This concept helps establish a mindset that supports a lasting, joyful marriage.

Implication:

This concept differs significantly from the saying "happy wife, happy life." Instead, it focuses on cultivating mutual joy between both partners in the marriage. It emphasizes a mindset of gratitude and celebration for the blessing that marriage brings. As the leader in the relationship, you must establish a positive atmosphere within your marriage. This environment is crucial for nurturing the Biblical principles that define marriage. In your first year together, work on building a foundation of joy that will support your role as the head of your family..

Principal 3: Always Keep it sexy

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to the husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of lack of self-control."

Interpretation

Sex is one area where both husband and wife share equal authority, rights, and responsibilities. Unlike leadership, where the husband has absolute authority, sexual intimacy is a domain of shared authority and responsibility. It is essential to understand that sex should not be treated as a reward or a tool for manipulation to achieve compliance. Instead, it is a right within marriage.

Furthermore, marital sex can act as a safeguard against temptation by mitigating the factors that lead to infidelity and a lack of self-control. For this reason, Paul advises that husbands and wives should not "deprive each other" without a valid reason.

Implication:

If you don't establish a consistent pattern of sexual activity within your marriage, you risk undermining both the intimacy and fidelity of your relationship. Therefore, making sex a priority is essential. A sexless marriage often results from setting aside the process of connection in favor of less important activities or relationships. In such a marriage, selfishness can take over, leading one or both partners to neglect their marital responsibilities. It's crucial to avoid allowing this to become the norm if you want your marriage to remain healthy and strong. The Bible offers clear guidance on this subject: you should strive to keep the intimacy alive in your marriage..

I realize some of you may be wondering how to prioritize sex in your marriage. Here are a few simple suggestions you can try.

**Communicate**: It’s essential that your wife understands the vision for your relationship so that you can work towards it together. You may be surprised at how powerful it is to express to your wife that you still desire her and always will. Remind her that her value in your marriage— even after having five kids— will only continue to grow.

**Plan**: While sex can be spontaneous, relying on spontaneity alone may not lead to success. Create a plan and make it happen. Your wife doesn't always need to know the specifics of the plan, and it might not unfold exactly as you envisioned, but having a plan is better than having none at all.

**Be Consistent**: Lastly, it’s important to follow through on your plans. Inconsistency can breed distrust and disappointment within your marriage, so aim to be reliable. If you always decline an invitation to do something, continue to do so. If you promise to complete a task, make sure you do it. When planning for intimacy, consistency is key.

Marriage isn’t inherently complex for those who understand how to navigate the questions that naturally arise. Once you grasp the roles and responsibilities of marriage, the joyful atmosphere you need to create, and the blessing of sexual satisfaction that marriage offers, you will find that marriage can be both easy and enjoyable. Challenges will arise, but the overall state of your marriage should reflect Christ-like behavior and love. Remember, if you have found a wife, you have found a good thing.